T'sara Vandercross (tsara) wrote,
T'sara Vandercross
tsara

The April Edition



Why are we wired to want/need companionship? This has been a question that has been plaguing me for a few days now. Just what is it about humanity as a whole that we long for intimate company. Not intimate in the means of sex and all (though it's not something to complain about) but intimate in the sense that you have someone there that truly gets to know you. The learns to understand you. Someone that compliments who you are and you do the same to them. Yeah yeah, you have the standard answer of people of "continuation of the species" but I can't buy in to that enough to think that's it. There must be more. Must be. I'm not wanting children any time soon in my life, but yet I still feel this yearning for companionship. So, I can't go with the whole "continuation" theory. Animals are solo creatures, or at least most of them, so why aren't we? I mean, yeah, we have the companionship that our friends give to us. But that's only one part of the whole thing. Everyone, including myself, craves for more. Or am I really that far off base? Am I the only one that feels this way? Geese. (This is why I love letting my mind type freely) Geese mate for life. They are a prime example of an animal that is NOT a loner. Even though so many of them are. And suddenly my mind goes blank. Damn geese...distracting me. Not that it has been overly difficult lately. I've felt for the past couple months to not really be in my own head. I'm just kind of standing behind it looking through the eyes and letting the body go through the motions. This is what happens to me when I lose my drive. Lose my focus. Force myself to not care about much and such. It makes me feel like I'm a passenger in my own life. That I don't get to control all that much when it really comes down to it. It gives me the feeling that one or two people could just come along and alter how things have always been for me. That's not a great feeling, yet you feel powerless to stop it. That lack of control bothers me. It's not that I'm some uber control freak, but there ARE many things in my life that I want to be able to have absolute authority over. I mean, hell, it's my life right? But that doesn't ever work. Life doesn't work that way. So now, I sit back, stop fighting, watch as everything I thought I knew and understood breaks down and apart and bide my time to pick up the pieces that are me. I'm not angry or sad about it to tell you the truth. Just frustrated. Frustrated and waiting. Waiting patiently like some kind of carnivore for my chance to bite into life and rip off the largest chunk I can find and teach it who is who. People always say that they don't want people to change, but life changes you all by itself. It makes you who and what you are. It makes you docile one day, and then makes you a killer the next. Wow...now there's suddenly random. Here I am letting my brain go when I get contacted from a good friend of mine in Chicago I hadn't heard from in almost a year. She's checking up on me and had a "feeling I should say hi and make you smile". Damn. I do miss some of my friends out in Chicago. And with that, the train has been derailed and is getting ready to smash into a water tower, which in turn will hit a phospherous processing plant or something and create a great show to watch. So, off I go for now.
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