Originally banned by the Council of Nicea as a fraudulent work by a disgruntled former apostle, the Gospel of Fred was thought to have been destroyed during a Vatican fire in 1672. Here, for the first time, we present excerpts from the newly discovered artifact.
CHAPTER 8: Then Jesus turned to the crowd that had assembled near the shores of the Sea of Galilee and spoke, saying: "A man is like a mustard seed, except that a man has a nose and a mouth, whereas a mustard seed really has no facial features at all. Oh, and a man has the ability to make funny noises by placing his hand in his armpit. That, too." The crowd sat still. Then a woman asked, "What is the moral of this parable?" At this point, Jesus pointed to a great cloud in the sky. "Behold that cloud," he said. Then, when everyone was looking, Jesus ran away.
CHAPTER 6: As Jesus and Peter walked along the road to Damascus, a leper approached them. "If I may but touch you once, I shall be healed for eternity," the leper said to Jesus. Jesus replied, "That is a bit of a silly request, don't you think? If you touch me, I may get leprosy. Perhaps you have a relative without leprosy that I could meet instead, and we could just pretend that I'm touching you. Yes, that would really work best for me." At this point, Jesus looked at Peter and said loudly, "Peter, don't we have that thing we have to be getting to?" To which Peter responded, "What thing, my Lord?" To which Jesus responded,"You know, that thing." To which Peter responded, "Oh, yes, yes, that thing."
CHAPTER 17: And then they brought Jesus before the High Priest. "So tell me," said the priest, "Are you the one who calls himself the Son of God? The practitioner of black magic and leader of mobs?" "No," replied Jesus, looking around the room, "He is." Jesus pointed to an old man standing in the corner and the soldiers immediately boxed the man upon the ears.
CHAPTER 11: As Jesus entered Jerusalem, a man approached him and said, "You are the one whose mother, they say, is a virgin." And Jesus replied, "Well, you are the one whose mother, they say, is so fat that her butt has its own tax collector." The man wept, and Jesus continued on his walk, victorious.
CHAPTER 16: And while Jesus was walking through town, a mob gathered and began chastising a woman. They yelled, "She is an adulterer, and she deserves to die!" Slowly, Jesus bent down and picked up a handful of sand. He held the sand, thought for a moment and said, "Let he among you who is without a donkey cast the first stone." At this, the men in the crowd looked at each other slightly confused for a moment, and then those who did not own donkeys stepped forward and threw heavy stones at the woman's head.