T'sara Vandercross (tsara) wrote,
T'sara Vandercross

Long Time...

So it's been forever since I've last posted here. But that's ok. That means most of my friends don't read this any more, or don't have interest in livejournal any more. And really, that makes this a very good place for me to get my words out and in the open, but still not feel like I'm shouting them to everyone.

My wife and I are getting a divorce. (I've been married for 4 years now.) This isn't a "I hate you" or any kind of divorce. In fact, we're both being VERY friendly with the whole thing. My mother calls it the nicest divorce she's heard of. This is more just a case of the love just no longer being there any more.

It isn't like we didn't try. We really did. We went to counseling and everything. Even she said that she doesn't think there is much that could be done at this point. That my wife and I are certainly friends, but there isn't really a marriage there any more.

She wanted to be one person, I wanted to be someone else, these two people were not congruent with each other.

I don't know how to feel about this whole thing. I want her to be happy. I understand and accept that she won't be happy with me. I really do want her to find someone that she CAN be happy with and be the person she wants to be. I know I will be ok, but I still worry for her.

And that's the part that sucks. Sucks horridly. It sucks that I can accept that this is over and that we don't even wear our wedding rings any more. It sucks that the love just stopped one day and that we can both accept that. It sucks that I still give a damn enough though to want her to be happy. It sucks that I know it's for the better but that the thought of going through this still makes me freaking cry. It sucks that I'm crying just while typing this. It sucks that it costs $290 for the court to decide they can say it's over even after the couple has said, 'Yeah, this is over.' It sucks that it was so easy for us to be able to sign the paperwork. It sucks that we're putting on these faces for each other that makes me feel like I'm the only one grieving here.

It feels good to actually get to type this all out though, even though it sucks this is all happening.

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