T'sara Vandercross (tsara) wrote,
T'sara Vandercross

A Must for Asheron's Call / Matrix Fans

This was written by a gentleman on an AC Message Board that goes by TejasMT (e-mail him your appreciation at sajet12@hotmail.com ). It was so darn good, I had to add it here to keep.

(Neo's apartment)
Neo: What? What the hell?... Follow the white rabbit?... Who is it?
Choi: It's Choi.
Neo: Yeah. Yeah. You're two hours late.
Choi: I know, it's due to lag.
Neo: Got the money?
Choi: 10 dollars a month, as agreed.
Neo: Hold on. Use this GEAR program.
Choi: Hallelujah. You're my savior, man. My own personal Jesus Christ.
Neo: You get caught using that...
Choi: Yeah, I know. This never happened. You don't exist. Just like lag doesnt.
Neo: Right.
Choi: Something wrong, man? You look a little whiter than usual and you're a black guy.
Neo: My computer, it... You ever have that feeling where you're not sure if you're awake or still dreaming?
Choi: Mm, all the time. It's called Asheron's Call. It's the only way to lag. Hey, it just sounds to me like you need to unplug, man, go offline. You know, get some Mountain Dew and Pork Rinds. What do you think, DuJour? Shall we take him with us?
DuJour: Definitely.
Neo: I can't, I have work at Turbine today.
DuJour: Come on, It'll be fun. I promise.
Neo: Yeah, sure, I'll go, I mean fuck the players, right?

(At the 'Game')
Trinity: Hello Neo.
Neo: How do you know that name?
Trinity: I know a lot about you. Im a mod, and did an IP track/search on you.
Neo: Who are you?
Trinity: My name is Trinity.
Neo: Trinity. The Trinity? That cracked the Commadore 64 code?
Trinity: That was a long time ago.
Neo: Jesus. (no, not the hispanic one)
Trinity: What?
Neo: I just thought, um...you were a guy. Im into guys, ya know. I masturbate alot at work.
Trinity: Most guys do.
Neo: Its you on my computer. How did you do that?
Trinity: Like I said, Im a mod. Right now all I can tell you is that you're in danger. I brought you here to warn you.
Neo: Of what?
Trinity: They're watching you, Neo.
Neo: Who is? Watching me masturbate at work?! How exciting!
Trinity: The mods!Please just listen. I know why you're here, Neo. I know what you've been doing. I know why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night you sit at your computer, masturbating and playing AC. You're looking for him. I know, because I was once looking for the same man. And when I found him, he told me I wasn't really looking for him. He thought I was a man too. Morpheus is gay like you. But thats a different matter. Lets talk about the lag. It's the lag that drives us mad. It's the lag problem that brought you here. You know there is lag just as I did. Why dont you ppl do something at Turbine?!
Neo: What is causing AC Matrix lag?
Trinity: You re asking me?! The answer is out there, Neo. It's not looking for you. You have to get off ya ass and find it!Its not going to find you!
Neo: So, tell me more about Morpheus, does he like outtings at Fire Island?

(In the Car)
Neo: What the hell is this?
Trinity: It's necessary, Neo. For our protection.
Neo: From what.
Trinity: From you. Take off your pants.
Neo: What?
Switch: Stop the car. Listen to me, Copper-top. We don't have time for twenty questions. Right now there's only one rule, our way or the highway.
Neo: Fine.
Trinity: Please, Neo. You have to trust me.
Neo: Why?
Trinity: Because you have been down there, Neo. You know that road. You know exactly where it ends. Its a Gay Bar. And I know that's not where you want to be.... Apoc, lights. Lie back, pull down your pants...
Neo: What is that thing?
Trinity: Its called a penis, and we think you're big.... Try and relax.... Come on. Come on.
Switch: It's on the move.
Trinity: Shit.
Switch: You're going to loose it. Think nasty thoughts.
Trinity: No I'm not. Clear. And more importantly, Clean.
Neo: Jesus Christ, that thing's real big? Any chance I can use this to spend some quality time with Morpheus?
Switch: Queer!
Apoc: Faggot!

(The Abandoned Server Room)
Morpheus: At last. Welcome, Neo. As you no doubt have guessed, I am gay.
Neo: It's an honor to meet you.
Morpheus: No, the honor is mine. Please, come. Sit down. I imagine that right now you're feeling a bit like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole? Hm? We will get to the hole, later, handsome.
Neo: You could say that.
Morpheus: I can see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, this is not far from the truth. Do you believe in lag, Neo?
Neo: No.
Morpheus: Why not?
Neo: Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of the servers.
Morpheus: I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain. But you feel it. You've felt it your entire employment at Turbine. That there's something wrong with the world of Dereth. You don't know what it is but it's there, like a splinter in your mind driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?
Neo: The lag or the fact I want to take you as a lover?
Morpheus: Do you want to know what IT is? The lag is everywhere. It is all around us, even now in this very room. You can see it when you look at your monitor or when you try to log on. You can feel it when you work, when you go to different chararcters, when you pay your $10 a month. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Morpheus: That you are an idiot, Neo. Like everyone else at Turbine you were born into
bondage, born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison for your
mind.... Unfortunately, no one can be told what causes the lag. You have to see it for
yourself. This is your last chance. After this there is no turning back. You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Dereth, and I show you how bad the lag gets.... Remember, all I'm offering is the truth, nothing more.... Follow me.... Apoc, are we online?
Apoc: Almost. Goddamn lag!
Morpheus: Time is always against us, its all due to the lag. Please, take a seat there.
Neo: You did all this?
Trinity: Uh-huh.
Morpheus: The pill you took is part of a libotomy program. It was the blue pill. You have chosen to believe whatever you want to believe.
Cypher: It means buckle your seat belt, Dorothy, because the server is going bye-bye.

Morpheus: This is the construct. It's our loading program. We can load anything from
clothing, to equipment, weapons, training simulations, anything we need.
Neo: Right now we're inside a computer program, laggin the hell out of people?
Morpheus: Is it really so hard to believe? Your clothes are different. Your appearance now is what we call the Sho race. It is the mental projection of you being Japanese.
Neo: This...this isn't real? Who won a second world war you so smart?
Morpheus: Not funny Neo. What is real. How do you define real? If you're talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain. Either that or the Ramen Noodles we are so enjoy. I prefer the pork, as Im sure you do too, sugar pants. But I digress ..This is the world that you know. The world as it was at the end of the year 2001. It exists now only as part of a neural-interactive simulation that we call Asheron's Call. You've been living in a dream world, Neo. This is the world as it exists today....100000 ms of lag. Welcome to the Desert of the Really Lagged. We have only bits and pieces of information because of all the damn packet loss, but what we know for certain is that at some point in late 2001 all of Dereth was united in celebration. We marveled at our own magnificence as we gave birth to DM.
Neo: DM? You mean Dark Majesty?
Morpheus: A singular expansion that spawned an entire form of lag. We don't know what struck first, lag or packet loss. But we know that it was the fucking PKs that scorched the sky. At the time they were dependent on slide casting and it was believed that they would be unable to survive without massive cheat files. Throughout human history, we have been dependent on speed hacks to cheat. Fate it seems is not without a sense of irony. Combined with a form of speed hack detection, lag took on a life of its own. For the longest time I wouldn't believe it, and then I saw the lag with my own eyes. Watched the players disco in lag runs and die. And standing there, facing the pure horrifying precision, I came to realize the
obviousness of the truth. What is this lag? Control? No, its all about the money. The lag is a computer generated slow motion, get ya killed in a heart beat world built to keep us pissed off.
Neo: No. I don't believe it. It's not possible.
Morpheus: I didn't say it would be easy, Neo. I just said it would be the truth.
Neo: Stop. Let me out. Let me out. I want out.

Trinity: Easy, Neo. Easy.
Neo: Take this thing out of me. Take this thing...
Morpheus: Listen to me...I can use a better lubricate..
Neo: Don't touch me. Stay away from me. I don't want it. I don't believe it. I don't believe it.
Cypher: He's gonna poop.
Morpheus: Breathe, Neo. Just breathe. Then later, we can work on teaching you to blow.

Morpheus: Unbelievable, isn't it.
Neo: God.
Trinity: What?
Neo: I used to eat there. Really good Ramen noodles. I must be Japanese. Is that why I eat so much Ramen noodles?
Trinity: Turbine cannot tell you who you are. You still appear to be a fucked up white boy.
Neo: And the Ex-Advocate can tell me?
Trinity: That's different.
Neo: Did you go to her?
Trinity: Yes. Three times a week for six months. She put me on Lithium.
Neo: What did she tell you?
Trinity: She told me...I dont validate parking and Im not responsible for your damn car, park and lock it! She also explained what the banana thing in my dreams meant.
Neo: What?
Morpheus: We're here. Neo, come with me.

(Apartment Building)
Neo: So is this the same Ex-Advocate that made the prophecy?
Morpheus: Yes. She's very old. She's been with us since the beginning.
Neo: The beginning...?
Morpheus: Of beta.
Neo: And she knows what, everything?
Morpheus: She would say she knows osmethne. It is said she spends WAY too much time on the boards.
Neo: And she's never lagged?
Morpheus: Try not to think of it in terms of raped by the lag beast or rear ended by packet loss. She is a guide. She can help you to find the cause of lag. Possibly a better ISP, an upgraded computer, or some kind of dandruff shampoo for that lice infested rug you call a hair-do...
Neo: She helped you?
Morpheus: Yes.
Neo: What did she tell you?
Morpheus: She told me "Drop the Afro, its too 70's" and also that I would find the one.... I told you I can only show you the door. You have to lag through it. No, Neo, it opens out. PULL! DONT PUSH!

(Ex-Advocate's place)
Priestess: Hello, Neo. You're right on time.... Make yourself at home, Morpheus. Neo, come with me.... These are the other Turbine idiots, you can wait here, next to the mouth breathers.

Spoon boy: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead only try to realize the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Spoon boy: There is no spoon. It was put in the dishwasher 20 minutes ago. YOU ARE LAGGED TO HELL!
Neo: There is no spoon?
Spoon boy: Then you'll see that it is not the spoon that lags, it is only yourself.
Neo: Want some candy? My car is parked down by the...
Priestess: The Ex-Advocate will see you now.

Ex-Advocate: I know you're Neo. Be right with you. Im running a 15000ms ping and it will take a while.
Neo: You're the Ex-Advocate?
Ex-Advocate: Pingo. Not quite what you were expecting, right? Almost done. Smell good, don't they?
Neo: Yeah. Ramen Noodles!
Ex-Advocate: I'd ask you to sit down, but your not going to anyway. There is no chair, it was burnt as fire wood 2 hours ago. The lag makes it look as if its still there. And don't worry about the sunflower vase.
Neo: What sunflower vase?
Ex-Advocate: That sunflower vase.
Neo: I'm sorry.
Ex-Advocate: I said don't worry about it. I'll get one of my vassasl to quest for another Its a real noob thing to do now.
Neo: How did you know?
Ex-Advocate: What's really going to bake your Ramen noodle later on is, would you still have broken it if I hadn't said anything. You're cuter than I expected. No wonder he likes you.
Neo: Who?
Ex-Advocate: Not too bright, though. Thats typical of Turbine employees. You know why
Morpheus brought you to see me?
Neo: I think so. Sex change?
Ex-Advocate: So, what do you think? You think you're the one?
Neo: I don't know. Could I get my noodles steamed later, rather than baked?
Ex-Advocate: You know what that means? It's Latin. Means `Lag Death'. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Being the one is just like being in lag. No one can tell you you're in lag, you just know it. Through and through. Balls to bones. Well, I better have a look at you. Open your mouth, say Ahhh. You have a very deep throat!
Neo: Ahhh.
Ex-Advocate: Okay. Now I'm supposed to say, `Umm, that's interesting, but...' then you
Neo: But what?
Ex-Advocate: But you already know what I'm going to tell you.
Neo: I'm not the one. I need my tonsils removed. You can see what I had for breakfast. What?!
Ex-Advocate: Sorry kiddo. You got the legs, but it looks like you're waiting for osmethne.
Neo: I thought I was waiting on noodles. Is the lag gonna make the noodles take days to
cook? Its funny.
Ex-Advocate: Your next lifestone maybe, who knows? That's the way these things lag. What's funny?
Neo: Morpheus. He...he almost had me convinced there was lag
Ex-Advocate: I know. Poor Morpheus. Without him we're lost.
Neo: What do you mean, without him?
Ex-Advocate: Are you sure you want to hear this? Morpheus believes in lag, Neo. And no one, not you, not even me can convince him otherwise. He believes it so blindly that he's going to sacrifice his life to save yours. He will take a lag death.
Neo: Better him than me.
Ex-Advocate: You're going to have to make a choice. In the one hand you'll have Morpheus' life and in the other hand you'll have your own. One of you is going to die a horrible lag death. Which one will be up to you. I'm sorry, kiddo, I really am. You have a good connection, and I hate giving good people bad news. Oh, don't worry about it. As soon as you step outside that door, you'll start feeling better. You'll remember you don't believe in any of this lag crap. You're in control of your own link, remember? Here, take a cookie. I
promise, by the time you're done putting it to file in your computer, you'll feel right as rain.

Morpheus: What was said was for you and for you alone. But what I have here is for the both of us. Tickets to "A Tribute to Judy Garland"! They will be playing alot of additional showtunes as well! Excited?

(Lafayette Hotel)
Neo: Whoa, deja vu.
Trinity: What did you just say?
Neo: Nothing, I just had a little deja vu.
Trinity: What did you see?
Cypher: What happened?
Neo: A black mattie went past us, and then another that looked just like it.
Trinity: How much like it, was it the same mattie? I need a robe, or coat I can trade.
Neo: Might have been, I'm not sure.
Morpheus: Switch, Apoc.
Neo: What is it?
Trinity: Deja vu is usually a lag wave. It happens when they fuck up something.

Cypher: Its an update! That's what they fucked up. We're trapped. There's no way out.
Morpheus: Be calm. We still have our Ramen Noodles. We wont starve.
Trinity: They'll be able to hotfix it.
Morpheus: We have no choice. We have to eat the noodles they're getting cold. We need to get outside where there is room to eat.
Tank: Operator.
Morpheus: Tank. Find a structural drawing of this building. Find it fast.
Tank: Got it.
Morpheus: I need the main fire wall.

(Lafayette Hotel)
+Admin Smith: Eighth floor.
+Admin Brown: Eighth floor.
+Admin Smith: Must you repeat everything I say?! Geez!I hate that.

Apoc: Neo. I hope the Ex-Advocate gave you some good news. Like you will get paid twice as much for the sequel.

Tank: More left, that's it. Yes, there, scratch, SCRATCH! Nothing like a good back scratcher. BTW Morpheus, your blood work came back, that rash in your groin can be cured with Penicillin.
Morpheus: Good.

(Lafayette Hotel)
+Admin: Brown: Where are they?
+Admin Smith: You dont fucking listen do you? EIGHTH FLOOR!
Police: They're in the fire walls. They're in the fire walls.
Cypher: It's an +Admin.
Morpheus: You must get Neo to log out. He's all that matters.
Neo: No. No, Morpheus. Don't.
Morpheus: Trinity, log.
Trinity: Log.
Neo: We can't leave him.
Trinity: We have to.... hes in lag. Cypher, come on.

+Admin Smith: The great Morpheus. We meet at last.
Morpheus: And you are.
+Admin Smith: Smith. +Admin Smith.
Morpheus: You all look the same to me.

+Admin Smith: Do you realize how stupid that sounds coming from a black guy?!

Cypher: I'm tired, Trinity. I tired of this lag. I'm tired of fighting lag. I'm tired of this game, being cold, eating the same God-damn Ramen Noodles everyday. But most of all, I'm tired of that jack-off Turbine and all of its bullshit. Surprise ass-hole. I bet you never saw this coming, did you? God, I wish I could be there, when I unsubscribe. I wish I could walk in just when it happens. So right then, they would know it was me that deprived them of $10 a month.
Trinity: You reported Morpheus.
Cypher: He lied to us, Trinity. He tricked us. He called me a dumabass cracker!If he'd told us the truth, we woulda told him to shove that red pill right up his ass. And thats not an unpleasant thought for Morpheus, because we all know how anal he is..
Trinity: That's not true, Cypher, he set us free from lag.
Cypher: Free? You call this free? 20000ms of lag!All I do is run in place. If I had to choose between lag and Ramen Noodles, I choose to eat the damn noodles and I fucking hate them! Do you have any idea how backed up my colon is?!

Cypher: Welcome to the real world,baby. Constipation! Im a redneck for God's sake, WE DONT EAT SLANT EYED FOREIGNER NOODLES!
Trinity: Cypher, You can't go back to the real world and leave AC
Cypher: Oh no. That's what you think. My daddy is giving me a job at his auto repair shop. I go to sleep, I wake up, I beat the wife and kids, I work on cars, I come home collapse in a drunken stupor and the next morning...I won't remember a God-damn thing.
Trinity: God-damn you, Cypher. Is that why you bought that 57 Chevy Pixel? YOUR RE GOING TO PUT IT UP ON BLOCKS ON YOUR FRONT LAWN! Arent you?!

+Admin Smith: Have you ever stood and stared at it, marveled at it's beauty, it's genius? Billions of gamers just living out their lives, oblivious to the real world, just playing AC all the time. Did you know that the first AC was designed to be a perfect toon world. Where none lagged. Where everyone would have a perfect green chain link icon. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Some believed that we lacked the programming language to
describe your perfect Dereth. But I believe that players define their game play through
misery, suffering, complaining and bitching. Which is why AC was redesigned to this, the peak of your No-Lifer Existance. I say your No-Lifer Existance because as soon as we started thinking for you it really became our No-Lifer Existance which is of course what this is all about. The future is our time, that why we keep the future stuck in lag.
+Admin Brown: There could be a problem. A few players were actually able to complete a quest without a lag death.

Neo: What are they doing to him.
Tank: Breaking into his mind. It's like hacking into a computer, all it takes is time. Morpheus use to work at Microsoft, and he still has that employee required program-able chip in his head.
Neo: How much time?
Tank: Depends on the lag. Eventually his bandwidth patterns will change from this to this. Then again, Morpheus is none too bright, could be a matter of seconds.
When it does give way, Morpheus will tell them anything they want to know just to get out of lag.
Neo: Well, what do they want?
Tank: The leader of every Monarchy is given codes to game databases. If an +Admin got the codes and got into the Zone's mainframe, they could delete us. We can't let that happen.
Neo: Trinity, Can I borrow those black boots of yours sometime?
Tank: The game databases are more important than me or you or even Morpheus.
Neo: Well there has to be something that we can do. Black goes good with any color, maybe we could alternate Saturdays for wearing them? Oh yeah, the game databases, is there something we can do about that too?
Tank: There is. We spam Morpheus.
Trinity: You're going to spam him? Spam Morpheus? That could give him a lag death!
Tank: We don't have any other choice.
Neo: Yeah, kinda of like me, no choice, just these Off-white Pat Boone slip on penny loafers. Trinity, I really need to talk to you about those black boots...

+Admin Smith: Never send a player to do a crappy job. We at Turbine pride ourselves on that.
+Admin Brown: If indeed the redneck has failed, they'll sever the connection as soon as possible, unless...
+Admin Jones: They all quit, in either case...
+Admin Smith: We have no choice but to continue as planned. Deploy the Devs immediately.

Tank: Morpheus, you're more than a Monarch to us. You're our patron. Damn! Your XP Chain rocked! We'll miss you always, but more so, all those freebie xps...
Neo: Stop. I don't believe this is happening. I just fuckin leveled and I didnt do a damn thing! Morpheus' XP Chain DOES rock!
Tank: Neo, this had to be done. There is a level restriction down there. Cant get in to kill an +Admin unless you are level 70 or above. Its called the "Queen Restriction"
Neo: There is? I don't know, I... this can't be just coincidence. It can't be.
Tank: What are you talking about?
Neo: The Ex-Advocate. She told me this would happen. She told me that I would have to make a choice. At least this choice is not as tough as deciding what flavor Ramen Noodles I want
Trinity: What choice?... What are you doing?
Neo: I'm loggin on.
Trinity: No you're not.
Neo: I have to.
Trinity: Neo, Morpheus sacrificed himself so that he could get you out. There's no way that you're going loggin on. You are running Decal with about 2000 plugins, that will crash you immediatley!
Neo: Morpheus did what he did because he believed I am osmethne I'm not.
Trinity: What?
Neo: I'm not in lag, Trinity. The Ex-Advocate hit me with that too.
Trinity: No. You have to be. I can see you running in place!
Neo: Sorry, I'm not. I'm just another guy with a perfect connection, no lag, no packer loss, and a push up bra
Trinity: No, Neo. That's not true. It can't be true.
Neo: Why? You dont think I have the goods for a bra?
Tank: Neo, this is loco. They've got Morpheus in a lag controlled building. Even if you somehow got inside, those are +Admins holding him. Three of them, they share one brain among them, so they always hang in three's and tend to drool alot. I want Morpheus back too, but what you're talking about is gettin banned.
Neo: I know that's what it looks like, but it's not. I can't explain to you why it's not. Morpheus believed in osmethene and he was ready to give his life for what he believed. I understand that now. But that's why I have to go. Wheres the nearest lifestone?
Tank: Why? Planning to LS Recall on our asses, chicken shit?
Neo: No, Because I believe in osmethne too.
Trinity: What?
Neo: I believe I can bring get him out of lag.... What are you doing?
Trinity: I m loggin on too.
Neo: No you're not.
Trinity: No? Let me tell you what I believe. I believe Morpheus means more to me than he does to you. I believe if you were really serious about saving him you are going to need my melee. And since I am the ranking officer in this Monarchy, if you don't like, I believe you can go to Dark Ages of Camelot. Because you aren't going anywhere else, except maybe Dungeon
Seize. Tank, log us on. Should I use the @boot command, Neo, or are you going to STFU?

+Admin Smith: I'd like to share a revelation during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you're not actually programmers. Every programmer at Turbine instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding cyberspace but you players do not. You move to a game and you multiply and multiply your accounts and characters until you go bankrupt due to $10 a month charges and all your cash resource are consumed. The only way you can survive is to take bankruptcy and spread to another game. There is another organism on Dereth that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A griefer. All players are griefers, a cancer of Dereth. You are a plague, and we are the cure. Our perfect Dereth, means getting rid of all you players. That means, massive lag.

Tank: Okay. What do you need, besides black boots?
Neo: Perhaps a matching belt, gold buckle, thin to accent my...
Trinty: Guns, Neo?!
Neo: Yeah, some guns, black of course to go with my outfit

+Admin Smith: Why isn't this serum working? Concentrated Mountain Dew serum has enuough caffeine in it to make a person rattle like a trailer hitch on a rusty bumper.
+Admin Brown: Perhaps we're asking the wrong questions. Maybe something other than seeking the answers to Abbot and Costello's "Who's on first"?
+Admin Smith: Leave me with him. Now.
+Admin Brown: Easy +Admin Smith, this is a simulation of the city San Fransico, but I think you want to take it a tad too far....

Agent Smith: Can you hear me, Morpheus? I'm going to be honest with you. I hate this game, this prison, this reality, whatever you want to call it. I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell of noodles, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated fat coursing thru my veins from it. I can taste your stinking noodles. And every time I do I feel I have somehow been constipated by them. It's repulsive, isn't it? I must get out of here. I must get lag free and in this mind is the key, my key. Once the Zone is destroyed there is no need for me to be here, don't you understand? I can hit the john and spend as much time as I need there. I need the codes. I have to get inside the Zone, and you have to tell me how. You're going to tell me or you're going to have a lag death. On a side note, my wife wants to know if its true what they say about black men?

Guard 1: Please remove any metallic items you're carrying, keys, loose change. Holy shit.
Neo; Oh no, this shit is not holy, it was never blessed by a priest. Its just my stool sample for some lab test Morpheus
wanted on me.
Guard 2: Backup. Send backup.
Neo: Sorry, there is nothing I can do about the smell. Third floor, infectious diseases lab, right?
Soldier: Freeze.

+Admin Brown: What were you doing?
+Admin Smith: Oh, I was just tying to find out something my wife wanted to know, Whats up?
+Admin Brown: I think they're trying to save him.

Neo: There is no spoon.
Trinity: Neo! Now is no time to try and eat noodles with a spoon! CHOP STICKS! Damn, you re dumb!

Pilot: I repeat, we are under a hack.

+Admin Brown: Only a player.
Trinity: Dodge this.... How did you do that?
Neo: Do what?
Trinity: You moved like they do. I've never seen anyone move that fast.
Neo: Oh, its the new GEAR Mach 2, I've been working on but, it wasn't fast enough, Ill have better luck with GEAR Mach 3. Can you fly that thing.
Trinity: Nope. I flunked my speed reading course, I kept reading between the lines.

Tank: Operator.
Trinity: Tank, I need an oral tablet for a V-212 helicopter.
Neo: A manual, IN TABLET FORM?!
Trinity: Yes, they also make novels, I want to try War and Peace in capsule form, but its a damn big pill to swollow.

Neo: Morpheus, get up. Get up, get up.... He's not going to make it, hes in lag!.... Gotcha.
Trinity: Why did you HAVE to grab him there?

Tank: I knew it. He's the one for Morpheus.

Morpheus: Do you believe it now, Trinity?
Neo: Morpheus. The Ex-Advocate, she told me I'm...
Morpheus: She told you exactly what you needed to hear, that's all. Neo, sooner or later you're going to realize, just as I
did, there's a difference between knowing you re in lag and trying to walk in lag. Just like knowing your a f..

Tank: Operator.
Morpheus: Tank.
Tank: God-damn. It's good to hear your voice, sir. Ill put some Noodles on! Need anything else?
Morpheus: Need a red taper, I cant LS Recall without it.
Tank: Got one ready. Subway station, State and Balboa, nearest Lifestone.

+Admin Smith: Damn it.
+Admin Brown: The trace was completed.
+Admin Jones: We have their IP
+Admin Brown: The Devs are standing by.
+Admin Jones: Order the update.

(Subway station)
Neo: You first, Morpheus. Age before beauty.

Trinity: Neo, I want to tell you something, but I'm afraid of what it could mean if I do. Everything the Ex-Advocate told me
has come true. Everything but this. I keep playing these same numbers, 1-7-12-26-34-48, yet I never win.
Neo: Whoa! You got to play them in the right state. Don't be afraid, I wont play those numbers, ya secret is safe with me.

Trinity: Neo.
Tank: What just happened?
Trinity: An +admin. You have to send me back.
Tank: I can't. Goddamn lag! BTW, what was that about some lotto numbers?

Trinity: Run, Neo. Run! Think, Forrest Gump just run and use blind shithouse luck!! What is he doing?
Morpheus: Hes eating a box of cho-co-lates. He's beginning to believe. Yes, hes beginning to believe Forrest Gump's mom was
full of shit. You DO know what you are going to get when you look inside. Chocolate! Nothing but damn Chocolate!

(Subway station)
+Admin Smith: You're empty.
Neo: Actually, Im full of chocolate and noodles. Not a pleasant combination.
+Admin Smith: No, brainiac, your gun
+Admin Smith: I'm going to enjoy watching you die, Mr. Anderson.
Neo: Yeah, everyone knows how +Admin get a kick outta watching player lag deaths. I bet ya all sit around a monitor and snicker.

Trinity: Jesus, he's killing him. AND HE'S WEARING MY BOOTS!

(Subway station)
+Admin Smith: Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of portal space. That is the sound of your lag death.

Goodbye, Mr. Anderson.
Neo: My name is Neo.
+Admin Smith: Sorry, we dont do name changes for any reason, MR ANDERSON.

Trinity: What happened?
Tank: I don't know. I lost him. Oh shit.
Trinity: Devs. How long?
Morpheus: Five, maybe six minutes, depends on the lag. Tank, charge the ISP.

Neo: Mr. Wizard, get me the hell out of here. That +Admin kicked me square in my boys!
Tank: Got a patch on an old portal, near A Ruin and Mayoi, use it and head in town.

Neo: Oh shit.... Help. Need a little help. I never did learn how to use the coord indicator on my screen.
Tank: Door.... Door on your left. No, you're other left.... Back door. Yeah, you know what a back door is with no problem.
Neo: The one that says "All deliveries made in the rear"?

Morpheus: Can't be. Did he loose server?

+Admin Smith: Check him.
+Admin Brown: He's gone.
+Admin Smith: Goodbye, Mr. Anderson.

Trinity: Neo, I'm not afraid anymore. The Ex-Advocate told me that I would fall in love, and that man, the man who I loved
would be the gay. And so you see, you can't be gay. You can't be, because I love you. You hear me? I love you.... Now get up.
Morpheus: Trinity, that appendage is not going to get up for you, no matter how much you beg. Hes born again Pink.

Neo: No.

(Graphic File missing! 100% Packet Loss)

Tank: How? Did yall see that, he kicked ass!
Morpheus: He IS in lag. He KNOWS it now.

Trinity: Neo. My boots? And someone from Turbine is here. They say they have a telegram for you it reads:

*You have passed the The Turbine Employee Maximum IQ rating of 60! Please sign for the receipt of your pink slip! Your
employment is no longer needed. If you have any questions or statements please use the phone. Thank you!*

The One (in need of a job): I know you're lagged out there. I can feel your lag now. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid
of us. You're afraid of change and XP Chains. I don't know the future, but hopefully AC2 will be better. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end, even though it will probably be with the introduction of AC2. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. Its going to begin with server upgrades. I'm going to hang up this phone and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a Dereth without lag, a Dereth without packet loss and running in place, without bugs or exploits, a Dereth where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a
choice I leave to you. We can always spend our $10 elsewhere.

-----------Server Connection Lost!----------

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